Changing Someone’s Life | The Better Than Rich Show Ep. 11

Changing Someone’s Life

The point of having a transformative conversation is to change a person’s feelings. So starting with the end in mind is important. We need to know our end goal of the conversation first to then ensure everything is aligned with our original goal. 

To find our end goal we need to be aware of what the person might need help or support on. Once we have thought about everything with the end in mind, we need to start our conversation approaching with curiosity and empathy.

Balancing empathy with curiosity is important when starting a transformative conversation. We need to have flexibility with our intentionality, we can have assumptions but we also need to be willing to let those go if we are wrong. Set intentions but be willing to throw them out the window deepening on how the individual shows up.

How to Know When to Pivot

When we show up with complete presence and meet a person where they are at they are able to sense that. Same goes for if we are distracted while having a conversation. When we seem like we aren’t present then the likelihood of having a transformative conversation is very low. No one wants to share about themselves to someone who isn’t actively listening.

When we are preparing to have transformative conversations we need to clear our mind of all previous thoughts and conversations to set our focus on what’s at hand.Then when we are fully present we are able to catch onto the small cues that help us know when to pivot.

Those cues can be body language, eye contact, and language patterns. Language patterns would be like the use of the word need which comes from a place of scarcity, if a person uses the word them or constantly blames other people there isn’t much responsibility, or if someone says they aren’t sure they have a relationship with uncertainty. These are subtle cues to pay attention to that will help us read between the lines.

The Nuts and Bolts to Transformative Conversations

Rapport: This isn’t just about catching up or chatting about favorite sports teams. We want to match energies with the individual. Ask ourselves “How is this person feeling”. Understanding what frame of mind and energy level the person we are speaking to is in is important throughout the entire conversation but especially when framing the conversation.

Pre-Frame: Laying out the goals or objectives of the conversation, how we’ll get there, building credibility, next steps, and agreement. This is a preview of the conversation so whomever we talk to understands what we are looking to get out of the call and can bring up anything they would like to add to the conversation and then you both can agree on the outline or pre-frame. This also helps keep the conversation on track.

Discovery: Curiosity is in full use during this step, this is where we begin asking those deeper questions. We can ask the why of certain actions to allow them to bring what’s real to the surface. Then we just ask them to tell us more about it, why it’s important, who it’s important to. We enter and then question how they see the world. In this stage we are trying to get to the root of things.

If someone isn’t answering our questions sometimes it isn’t that they don’t have answers it’s that they aren’t comfortable enough with us to give us those answers. So we need to ensure that we create a safe space where they feel comfortable enough to share. 

Once we have an idea where they are at we want to ask consequence based questions.

“What is the consequence of you continuing these actions, what would it be like if you did solve this problem?”

Consequence questions inspire action because it allows people to focus on the pain and pleasure revolved around their actions and they become more connected to them.

Transformation happens through the tunnel of pain, so we can’t skip over it or avoid it. We need them to be in tune with this emotion as much as we are will all others. Practice is key, learning to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. If they are in tune with their pain the changes introduced within the conversation can change into long term commitment.

Commitment Check: This stage is where we simply ask them how committed they are to the changes or advancements previously discussed. They are given an option of 1-10 to represent their commitment level. If their commitment level is anything less than 10 we need to continue to have a conversation on why.

Generally, what keeps people from being fully committed to their goals or change is fear, fear of failure, other’s opinions, etc. We need them to be fully in at 10 or they will not follow through.

If we have done a good job with the conversation thus far, then we should have already created a space of comfort, and can ask questions to get to the core of why they aren’t committing to get them committed.